Those Words from A Father Which Rescued Me as a New Dad

"I think I was simply just surviving for a year."

Former reality TV star Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the difficulties of fatherhood.

However the reality soon proved to be "completely different" to what he'd imagined.

Serious health issues during the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was pushed into becoming her chief support while also taking care of their newborn son Leo.

"I took on all the nights, every change… each outing. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

After nearly a year he reached burnout. It was a talk with his own dad, on a public seat, that led him to understand he needed help.

The direct phrases "You are not in a good place. You need some help. What can I do to support you?" paved the way for Ryan to express himself truthfully, look for assistance and find a way back.

His situation is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. Although society is now more accustomed to addressing the stress on moms and about postpartum depression, less is said about the difficulties new fathers face.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help

Ryan believes his challenges are linked to a larger failure to open up amongst men, who continue to absorb negative ideas of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and stays upright time and again."

"It is not a display of failure to ask for help. I was too slow to do that soon enough," he clarifies.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, says men frequently refuse to admit they're struggling.

They can believe they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - especially in preference to a mother and child - but she highlights their mental state is equally important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the chance to take a pause - spending a couple of days overseas, away from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He understood he had to make a shift to consider his and his partner's feelings alongside the day-to-day duties of caring for a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -physical connection and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has changed how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will see as he grows up.

Ryan thinks these will assist his son to more fully comprehend the language of feelings and interpret his decisions as a father.

The idea of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen was without reliable male a father figure. Even with having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, long-standing difficult experiences resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing feelings caused him to make "poor choices" when younger to modify how he was feeling, turning in alcohol and substances as a way out from the pain.

"You find your way to substances that are harmful," he explains. "They may short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Strategies for Managing as a New Father

• Share with someone - when you are under pressure, tell a trusted person, your other half or a professional about your state of mind. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the activities that allowed you to feel like yourself before having a baby. It could be playing sport, seeing friends or gaming.
• Pay attention to the body - eating well, physical activity and if you can, sleep, all are important in how your emotional health is faring.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - hearing about their journeys, the difficult parts, along with the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Understand that asking for help is not failure - looking after you is the most effective way you can support your family.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen expectedly struggled to accept the passing, having not spoken to him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead offer the security and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they do "releasing the emotion" together - managing the emotions safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they faced their struggles, changed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… dealing with things and handling things," says Stephen.

"I wrote that in a message to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I said, on occasion I think my role is to teach and advise you what to do, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I'm learning as much as you are on this path."